WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN

     Winning an alienation case consists of two parts.  1) Gaining and using knowledge of how both the alienator and the target parent function and 2) bringing each of four areas to peak.  Each of those things deserves much more space than we have here, so if you have any questions give us a call at 920-946-9406 or 910-454-4589.
       Remember that alienation is made from words, time, internal dialogue, and manipulation.  The alienator has characteristics that, although born of bad intent, can give them a winning edge.  The target parent and his/her team need to have those same characteristics, born of good intent.
          
         Alienators
1) They are driven with a specific purpose.  This focus gathers momentum, makes them seem ‘teflon-coated’ and enables them to surround themselves with believers. 

2) They form a team. 

3) They are great liars and usually inappropriate disciplinarians.  Since they are living a lie, all they really have is their ‘face’ and it’s usually a good one. 

4) There is something internally that they will not or can not face and take a scorched earth policy to anyone who expects them to do so.   Their conscience is buried beneath all this, which gives them freedom to do what they wish and gives them the appearance of sincerity. 

          Target parents
                      Often, we can reverse almost all of the above. This can greatly hinder your effectivness and damage the impression given to counselors, attorneys and the courts. 

1) Pain, financial issues, betrayal, etc distract them.  This scattered-ness shatters momentum, usually keeps them from presenting well to professionals, and keeps them on  the underside of the battle.   

2) Isolation is a tactic of an alienator, who often begins the process during the relationship.
The target parent usually feels alone, does not have enough help, and/or the situation is   causing stress at home.

3) They are so conscientious about putting the kids in the middle or having someone think they are truly at fault that they don’t use words with the same edge that alienators do. 

4) They are usually gentle hearted, peace loving people who are self-aware.  So much so that defensiveness comes easily, sometimes giving the appearance that they are to fault.  They can get stuck in reacting instead of acting, ruing what could or should be.

The Four Areas
  Each of the four areas has numerous specifics and methods, but this checklist can get you started.

1) Legal – Having a good attorney who understands and acts on the above about alienators and alienation, making sure the motions being drafted are effective, using the Court’s time wisely, interrogatories and depositions, presenting yourself properly.  Also, there are 'ins and outs' to the court system.  As Dr. Bone says, "You don't know what you don't know."  You need to understand both the inner and outer workings of this system. 

2) Other professionals and witnesses – School staff, coaches, counselors, police.  Anyone who can back up the truth and keep it from becoming ‘he said/she said’ in court.

3) Day-to-Day issues and events – This includes the communications between your ex and you, dealing with the children and other family members, tending to your work and home.

4) You – Taking care of yourself, eating, sleeping, keeping yourself from burn-out.  Also, analyzing if any of the above characteristics need tending to, becoming proactive instead of reactive, getting out of victim mode and on the offense instead of being on the defense. 

The Alliance for Single Parents       ineedhelpwithmykids@gmail.com       920-946-9406